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TAG: 00s tv commercials
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songspeak
Everyone knows it’s Braaa-aaad
There’s a new commercial for 7-Up featuring Brad Garrett that I’ve been seeing lately. In it, Brad gleefully songspeaks The Association hit Windy, with his own goofy lyrics. I don’t have much to say about it, except that it’s yet another example of songspeak in advertising. And I’ll be damned if that garbage truck doesn’t come close to creaming him.
Tags: 00s tv, 00s tv commercials, 7-up, 7up, brad garrett, commercial, everyone knows it's brad, everyone knows it's windy, garbage truck, the association, windy
1 comment
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songspeak
A.1. Makes Meat Loaf Sing
Oh, Meat Loaf. You’ve songspoken in commercials before. But this new one tickles my fancy. Something about hanging out at home, cooking meatloaf in bunny slippers is amusing to me. And then enjoying that meatloaf so much that you sing a song to the tune of I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That) while pouring a giant bottle of A.1. steak sauce all over it. I love A.1. sauce. Owning a giant bottle like that would be a dream come true. Never mind that after multiple viewings of this commercial and seeing it many times on TV, I still can’t understand that the hell you’re saying in the first line. Mr. Loaf, you’ve done it again.
Tags: 00s tv comm, 00s tv commercials, a.1. sauce, a.1. steak sauce, bunny slippers, giant bottle, i would do anything for love (but i won't do that), meat loaf, meatloaf
1 comment
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don't insult our intelligence
Febreze likes to keep things fresh. And by fresh, I mean dishonest.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Febreze. I think it smells delightful. But there is a new Febreze commercial out that annoys the shit out of me whenever I see it (typically in the morning during the Today Show). Let’s take a look at the commercial first, before I proceed to rip it a new one:
Let’s start with the obvious: WTF is up with their voices? The audio is clearly dubbed in for both the mom and son, and it even seems that it’s not even the voices of those actors. I mean, seriously. It’s like they want the kid to sound like the generic prepubescent kid from the Simpsons or something.
Now, let’s pick the rest of this thing apart. The mom tells Karl she thought he had friends coming over. Look at this kid. No way in hell he has friends. But we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Then she notices how messy and smelly his room is. And it truly is a pigsty. There’s crap everywhere, and most likely crusty bodily secretions all over the place. (She notes how bad the chair smells, and if I were her, I wouldn’t put my face so close to it, as you just KNOW he’s been sitting on that chair bare-assed every night for the past week). And the mom’s like, “oh, we’ll just clean with Febreze”. That’s fair enough to cover up Karl’s wretched stink, but look what happens when she starts spraying…the mess in his room magically disappears without either of them lifting a finger! That is a truly amazing spray!
Then, the kicker. Karl’s “friends” show up. Now, when his mom said he had friends coming over, after the shock of realizing he had friends, I figured they would just be a couple of nerds coming over to play Dungeons & Dragons or something, but it turns out to be a couple of cute girls. Yeah, right!!! Like either of those chicks would have anything to do with that pimply-faced dweeb. Then the blond chick seductively tells Karl how nice it smells in there (points for the audio possibly actually being her real voice), and he puffs his chest and acts like he’s responsible for the state of his room. What a d-bag.
So Febreze would like us to believe that a) spraying their product will not only improve the odor of your room, but also magically clean any messes within it, and b) if you’re an ugly awkward teen boy, spraying Febreze in your room will make cute girls want you to take their virginity. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?
But still, it’s the audio that bothers me the most. When that self-righteous little prick boasts that he likes to keep things fresh because it helps him concentrate at the end, I just want to reach through the screen and wring his scrawny little neck til his head pops off. Then dropkick it across the room.
So kudos, Febreze, on crafting one of the most ridiculous commercials in recent memory. I hope you burn in a hell that stinks like Karl’s room for eternity.
Tags: 00s tv commercials, crusty bodily secretions, d-bag, dbag, dubbed audio, dungeons and dragons, febreze, jizz, karl's room, keep things fresh, messed up audio, pigsty, pimply-faced dweeb, poor audio, prepubescent, self-righteous prick, squeaky voiced teen, stinky room, the simpsons, the today show, who are the ad wizards that came up with that one
59 comments
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last exit
Billy Mays not here anymore
Forget Michael Jackson. A true icon passed away yesterday. And that icon is Billy Mays. He was also 50 years old. Not a good week for pop culture. With his unmistakable voice and jet black beard, Billy Mays tried to sell us all kinds of ridiculously wonderful products. And, to the best of my knowledge, he never beat the shit out of any hookers. Probably best known for pitching Oxi Clean and Orange Glo on TV, one of my personal favorites was the Simoniz Fix It scratch remover. He really made me believe in the magic of this product, even though I never bought it. Somehow I don’t think any other products will seem quite so exciting from this point on…R.I.P. Billy. You will truly be missed.
Tags: 00s tv commercials, beats up prostitute, billy mays, billy mays dead, icon, jet black beard, michael jackson, orange glo, oxi clean, pop culture icon, scratch remover, simoniz fix it, vince schlomi
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don't insult our intelligence
Panormous my ASS!
Awhile back, Pizza Hut introduced their Panormous pizza, which they call their largest pan pizza ever. I remember something seemed off in the commercial when it originally aired, and then last night I saw they started airing the commercials again. I have many bones to pick with Pizza Hut about this, and unfortunately, there are no decent quality videos of the commercial, so here’s the only one I could find:
Really, Pizza Hut?!
The first thing that jumps out at me, and the thing that always rubs me the wrong way, is how the Panormous logo is so obviously photoshopped onto the box. It’s obviously not really ON the box, and doesn’t move properly as they pass the box around.
Then, the announcer says, “A pizza so big, it never ends!”
It NEVER ends?! What an absolutely ridiculous statement to make. At some point, the pizza will be finished. It WILL end. You can tell by the size of the box in the commercial that it’s much smaller than most local pizza joints’ party size pizzas. Add that to the fact that it only has 16 pieces. 16!!! I could polish off 16 pieces of pizza in my sleep, yet these jackoffs can’t finish an entire Panormous pizza? I counted the people in the commercial. There are 18 people that appear. That pizza won’t even be enough for one slice each, yet they claim it never ends? Ridiculous. And then there’s that guy that says (even though if you count the people, he should be taking the last slice), “We are never gonna finish this!” What a dick.
And the silliest part of all? It’s not even ONE pizza! It’s 2 pizzas in one big box! So it shouldn’t say “Our biggest pan pizza ever!” on the box, it should say, “Our biggest box that contains pizza ever!” and then in fine print, “And it’s still smaller than most other pizza places’ largest available pizza”.
Gather ’round the good stuff, my ass. More like gather ’round the lying, hypocritical douchebags. Ya hear that, Queen Latifah? Stuff that in your pizza box and eat it.
Tags: 00s tv commercials, a pizza so big it never ends, gather 'round the good stuff, lying hypocritical douchebags, panormous, party size pizza, pizza hut, queen latifah, really
6 comments
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songspeak
You other sponges don’t want none unless you rock square buns
So last night I was watching Monday Night Raw, as usual. And then a commercial came on for Burger King that had my wife Jo in hysterics. It was for the new 99 cent kid’s meals with Spongebob Squarepants toys, and it utilizes an alternate version of Sir Mix-a-lot’s Baby Got Back. Sir Mix-a-lot even appears in the ad.I don’t know what’s more disturbing, watching the Burger King dance around to the song, or the fact that they’re using Baby Got Back to sell kid’s meals. And really, is it wise to use a song that glorifies fat asses to advertise a fast food restaurant that gives people…well…fat asses?
That aside, I found an extended version of the music video, and I must say, it’s incredible. I love it. Not quite as phenomenal as McDonald’s Filet O Fish jingle, but pretty damn close:
Here are the lyrics:
I like square butts and I cannot lie
Squid and Sea Star can’t deny
When a sponge walks in, four corners and his pen
Like he got phone book implants, the crowd shoutsAll the ladies stare
Dang those pants are square!
Swimming through the seaweed tangle
Is a butt with sharp right anglesNow Sponge Bob, I wanna get witch-ya
‘Cuz you’re making me rich-ah
Underwater, we keep it grungy
‘Cuz everybody knows that ‘He so spongey!’Ooh, Rumplespongeskin
You dance, but your hips don’t bend
So groove it and move it
If you got caboose, then prove itSponge Bob is dancing
And Squidward is glancing
He’s hatin’… wet
He’s got Sponge Bob runnin’ his setI’m tired of all these chairs
They don’t accommodate these squares
Take the average ???? tell him that
You gotta have square backMr. Krab! (yeah)
Patrick! (yeah)
Has Sponge Bob got the butt? (oh yeah)
Then shake it (shake it)
Shake it (shake it)
Shake that cubicle buttSponge Bob got back
(Naw, dude, I said cubicle, not booty-ful. Don’t trip. Yeah baby, when it comes to sea life, curves ain’t got nothin’ to do with Bob’s selection. 2 x 2 x 2 square trousers, working that black belt, looking like dotted lines. That’s how Sponge Bob like to rock them threads baby.)A word to the DC sponges who wanna get wit it
And watch Sponge Bob kick it
I gotta be straight when I say you gotta scrub ’til the break of dawn
Bob got it goin’ on, been known to rock him a thong
Them round butts won’t admit it
But they’d wear that gear if they could fit itYou can draw his body on paper
His waistline really don’t taper
Your girlfriend wants to squeeze him
Wanna push his pores and tease himBut Sponge Bob ain’t gonna have too much of that squeezin’
You other sponges don’t want none unless you rock square buns!To the new sponges in the magazines, you ain’t it Miss Thang
We rock them cubes, gals and dudes
Put it down at the goo lagoonSome other box must get jealous
At the moves that come from square fellas
See Bob and they wanna get him
But Sandy Cheeks he won’t let ‘emIf you happen to wander on land
And you wanna be a square butt fan
And drive the crew right to Burger King
And give that sponge a ringSponge Bob got back!
Tags: 00s tv commercials, 90s music, 99 cent kid's meal, baby got back, burger king, burger king spongebob commercial, filet o fish, i like square butts and I cannot lie, mcdonald's, monday night raw, sir mix-a-lot, spongebob squarepants, wwe, wwe raw
6 comments
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songspeak
ShamWow spokesman beats up prostitute, has no problem cleaning up afterwards
Vince Shlomi, spokesman for the amazing ShamWow, as seen in the following commercial, apparently beat up a prostitute recently.Fortunately, he had a supply of ShamWow towels handy to clean up the mess. It only took one ShamWow to clean up the blood, saliva, and other various juices and excretions that soiled the scene.
This guy is my new hero.
Tags: 00s tv commercials, absorbent towel, beats up prostitute, hooker, prostitute, prostitute abuse, sasha harris, shamwow, vince shlomi
1 comment
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songspeak
Give me back that Filet O’ Fish, Give me that fish
This is my new favorite commercial. I saw it about a hundred times last night. And, much like Kylie Minogue, I can’t get it out of my head:
I’ve never had a McDonald’s Filet O’ Fish in my life. But this commercial makes me want to eat a million of them. Plus, I love how the guy with the beard eating the sandwich really starts gettin’ down.
** UPDATE: There is a new version for 2010. The two dudes are in a car watching last year’s commercial on a cell phone. Click here to see the 2010 version.
Tags: 00s tv commercials, filet o fish, filet of fish, gimme back, give me back, kylie minogue, mcdonald's, talking fish commercial
67 comments
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songspeak
McGruber/PepSuber and Richard Dean Anderson… in a Super Bowl commercial?
As a childhood MacGyver fan, the McGruber sketches that have been airing on SNL for quite awhile now are amusing to me. This past weekend, the following aired during the Steve Martin hosted episode of Saturday Night Live:
I was amused by Pepsi’s “Refresh Everything” endorsement, though a little confused when I saw this same sketch aired during Super Bowl XLIII. Are Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, and Richard Dean Anderson (who looks like he’s showing his age) that hard up for cash?
Tags: 00s tv commercials, kristen wiig, macgruber, pepsi, pepsuber, richard dean anderson, saturday night live, snl, super bowl, super bowl ads, will forte, XLIII
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songspeak
Cash4Gold Super Bowl commercial with Ed McMahon and MC Hammer
I can’t decide if it was funny, sad, or funny because it was so sad. Ed McMahon and MC Hammer hawk their wares in the Cash4Gold.com tv commercial that aired during the Super Bowl last night.
It was gold, Jerry. Gold!
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Tags: 00s tv commercials, 43, cash4gold, cash4gold.com, ed mcmahon, gold record, gold toilet, mc hammer, super bowl, super bowl ads, XLIII
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