Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live

Brilliantly played by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, this season of Saturday Night Live opened over this past weekend with a bang. Fey played John McCain‘s vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin. Poehler played Hillary Clinton.

Here’s a transcript:

FEY AS PALIN: “Good evening, my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “And I was told I would be addressing you alone.”

FEY AS PALIN: “Now I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together.  What with me being John McCain’s running mate.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama — as evidenced by this button.”

FEY AS PALIN: “But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “An issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about.”

FEY AS PALIN:  “You know, Hillary and I don’t agree on everything…”

POEHLER AS CLINTON [OVERLAPPING]: “Anything. I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.”

FEY AS PALIN: “And I can see Russia from my house.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “I believe global warming is caused by man.”

FEY AS PALIN: “And I believe it’s just God hugging us closer.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “I don’t agree with the Bush Doctrine.”

FEY AS PALIN: “I don’t know what that is.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “But Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate an American election.”

FEY AS PALIN: “So please, stop photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “And stop saying I have cankles.”

FEY AS PALIN: “Don’t refer to me as a ‘MILF.'”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “And don’t refer to me as a ‘FLURJ.’  I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it.”

FEY AS PALIN: “So we ask reporters and commentators, stop using words that
diminish us, like ‘pretty,’ ‘attractive,’ ‘beautiful.'”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “‘Harpy,’ ‘shrew’ and ‘boner shrinker.'”

FEY AS PALIN: “While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very
tough ladies.  You know it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska … “What’s the
difference…

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “Lipstick.”

FEY AS PALIN: “… between a hockey mom …”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “Lipstick.”

FEY AS PALIN: “… and a pitbull?”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “Lipstick.”

FEY AS PALIN [AFTER A BEAT]: “Lipstick. Just look at how far we’ve come.  Hillary
Clinton, who came so close to the White House.  And me, Sarah Palin, who is even
closer.  Can you believe it, Hillary?”

POEHLER AS CLINTON [AFTER A PAUSE]: “I can not.”

FEY AS PALIN: “It’s truly amazing, and I think women everywhere can agree, that
no matter your politics, it’s time for a woman to make it to the White House.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “No. Mine! It’s supposed to be mine! I need to say
something.  I didn’t want a woman to be president.  I wanted to be president, and
I just happen to be a woman.  And I don’t want to hear you compare your road to
the White House to my road to the White House.  I scratched and clawed through
mud and barbed wire and you just glided in on a dog sled wearing your pageant
sash and your Tina Fey glasses.”

FEY AS PALIN: “What an amazing time we live in.  To think that just two years ago, I was a
small town mayor of Alaska’s crystal meth capital.  And now I am just one
heartbeat away from being president of the United States.  It just goes to show
that anyone can be president.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “Anyone.”

FEY AS PALIN: “All you have to do is want it.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON [LAUGHS]: “Yeah, you know, Sarah, looking back, if I could
change one thing, I should have wanted it more.” [RIPS OFF PIECE OF PODIUM]

FEY AS PALIN: “So in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for
sexist behavior.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “Although it is never sexist to question female politicians
credentials.  Please ask this one about dinosaurs.  So I invite the media to
grow a pair.  And if you can’t, I will lend you mine.”

FEY AS PALIN: And as we say in Alaska…

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “We say it everywhere…”

FEY/POEHLER: “Live from New York, it’s ‘Saturday Night!!!’ “

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3 comments Add yours
  1. That was an awesome skit. Too bad most of the rest of the skits left a little something to be desired. And I know he’s an olympian and a home town boy for me and I’m supposed to love him and all, but Michael Phelps has…no…personality. It’s so sad.

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