Febreze likes to keep things fresh. And by fresh, I mean dishonest.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love Febreze. I think it smells delightful. But there is a new Febreze commercial out that annoys the shit out of me whenever I see it (typically in the morning during the Today Show). Let’s take a look at the commercial first, before I proceed to rip it a new one:

Let’s start with the obvious: WTF is up with their voices? The audio is clearly dubbed in for both the mom and son, and it even seems that it’s not even the voices of those actors. I mean, seriously. It’s like they want the kid to sound like the generic prepubescent kid from the Simpsons or something.

Now, let’s pick the rest of this thing apart. The mom tells Karl she thought he had friends coming over. Look at this kid. No way in hell he has friends. But we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Then she notices how messy and smelly his room is. And it truly is a pigsty. There’s crap everywhere, and most likely crusty bodily secretions all over the place. (She notes how bad the chair smells, and if I were her, I wouldn’t put my face so close to it, as you just KNOW he’s been sitting on that chair bare-assed every night for the past week). And the mom’s like, “oh, we’ll just clean with Febreze”. That’s fair enough to cover up Karl’s wretched stink, but look what happens when she starts spraying…the mess in his room magically disappears without either of them lifting a finger! That is a truly amazing spray!

Then, the kicker. Karl’s “friends” show up. Now, when his mom said he had friends coming over, after the shock of realizing he had friends, I figured they would just be a couple of nerds coming over to play Dungeons & Dragons or something, but it turns out to be a couple of cute girls. Yeah, right!!! Like either of those chicks would have anything to do with that pimply-faced dweeb. Then the blond chick seductively tells Karl how nice it smells in there (points for the audio possibly actually being her real voice), and he puffs his chest and acts like he’s responsible for the state of his room. What a d-bag.

So Febreze would like us to believe that a) spraying their product will not only improve the odor of your room, but also magically clean any messes within it, and b) if you’re an ugly awkward teen boy, spraying Febreze in your room will make cute girls want you to take their virginity. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?

But still, it’s the audio that bothers me the most. When that self-righteous little prick boasts that he likes to keep things fresh because it helps him concentrate at the end, I just want to reach through the screen and wring his scrawny little neck til his head pops off. Then dropkick it across the room.

So kudos, Febreze, on crafting one of the most ridiculous commercials in recent memory. I hope you burn in a hell that stinks like Karl’s room for eternity.

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